The Tao of Humiliation Read online

  The Tao of Humiliation

  Also by Lee Upton

  FICTION

  The Guide to the Flying Island

  POETRY

  The Invention of Kindness

  No Mercy

  Approximate Darling

  Civilian Histories

  Undid in the Land of Undone

  ESSAYS

  Swallowing the Sea: On Writing & Ambition, Boredom, Purity & Secrecy

  CRITICAL PROSE

  Jean Garrigue: A Poetics of Plenitude

  Obsession and Release: Rereading the Poetry of Louise Bogan

  The Muse of Abandonment: Origin, Identity, Mastery in Five American Poets

  Defensive Measures: The Poetry of Niedecker, Bishop, Glück, and Carson

  Copyright © 2014 by Lee Upton

  All rights reserved

  Manufactured in the United States of America

  First Edition

  141516177654321

  For information about permission to reuse any material from this book please contact The Permissions Company at www.permissionscompany.com or e-mail [email protected].

  Publications by BOA Editions, Ltd.—a not-for-profit corporation under section 501 (c) (3) of the United States Internal Revenue Code—are made possible with funds from a variety of sources, including public funds from the New York State Council on the Arts, a state agency; the Literature Program of the National Endowment for the Arts; the County of Monroe, NY; the Lannan Foundation for support of the Lannan Translations Selection Series; the Mary S. Mulligan Charitable Trust; the Rochester Area Community Foundation; the Arts & Cultural Council for Greater Rochester; the Steeple-Jack Fund; the Ames-Amzalak Memorial Trust in memory of Henry Ames, Semon Amzalak and Dan Amzalak; and contributions from many individuals nationwide. See Colophon on page 232 for special individual acknowledgments.

  Cover Design: Sandy Knight

  Interior Design and Composition: Richard Foerster

  Manufacturing: McNaughton & Gunn

  BOA Logo: Mirko

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

  Upton, Lee, 1953–

  [Short stories. Selections]

  The Tao of humiliation : short stories / by Lee Upton. — First Edition.

  pages cm

  1. Short stories, American. I. Title.

  ISBN 978-1-938160-33-2

  PS3571.P46A6 2014

  813'.54—dc23

  2013044056

  BOA Editions, Ltd.

  250 North Goodman Street, Suite 306

  Rochester, NY 14607

  www.boaeditions.org

  A. Poulin, Jr., Founder (1938–1996)

  Contents

  The Ideal Reader

  The Tao of Humiliation

  Touch Us

  My Temple

  Beyond The Yellow Wallpaper

  What Doesn’t Kill You Makes Me Stronger

  Let Go

  The Live One

  You Know You’ve Made It When They Hate You

  Will Anyone Ever Know Me

  The Swan Princess

  La Belle Dame Sans Professeur

  The Floating Woman

  The Bottled Mermaid

  The Last Satyr

  Bashful

  The Undressed Mirror

  Acknowledgments

  About the Author

  Colophon

  for Alice Faye Upton

  The Ideal Reader

  Only three women are visible in that famous Cornell Capa photograph of writers crammed in George Plimpton’s living room. Two of those women perch in the foreground, where they always make me think of sparrows waiting their turn while the blue jays flutter around the seed ball. Otherwise, the place is stuffed with men in suits, clutching their drinks like tabernacle candles in a funeral procession for the next literary reputation.

  It’s pretty wonderful that Truman Capote sits forward on the couch like a charming fat child. And doubly wonderful that the subject of my biography, Malcolm Alfred Kulkins, hovers in profile under a black-framed print on the wall. Was he taking his own measure, or deciding he was above taking his own measure in that room?

  Triply wonderful: the tilt to Kulkins’s posture as if he’s ready to topple backward. Which would land him on Truman Capote. Not that I want any more damage to have been done to Truman Capote. It’s the prospect of comical mayhem that I like—and the sense that at that exact moment Kulkins was a happy man and an eminence to be feared even among the raging egoists around him.

  If you had known Kulkins when that photograph was taken, never would you guess that decades later his obituary in the New York Times would be so perfunctory. Never would you guess that his final years would be rendered less as a mystifying withdrawal than as a capitulation to the limits of his talent. You’d never guess that someone so brilliant and bold could be condescended to like that, and so briefly too.

  Fast forward from that 1963 party in Plimpton’s living room to Kulkins in 1976. From autumn through much of the following summer he carried on, in succession, affairs with three obscure writers. By early August of 1977 a crisis occurred. Pages in his personal journal look bitten into, or scratched by a nail. In the final weeks of the summer of 1977: silence. Not only no more journal entries, no more of his comical-steely letters to editors. No more reviews or occasional essays. Apparently his nearly completed novel was destroyed. Seventeen more years elapsed before his death.

  During those seventeen years nothing was heard from Malcolm Alfred Kulkins again. Nothing nothing nothing nothing.

  From the start, I knew I couldn’t make enough headway in my research without answering the question: why did Kulkins, who was practically born writing, give up his art during the last years of his life? (At the age of ten, Kulkins wrote of his own mother: “She is a tiny little prig, with the temperament of a lobster.” Later, in his journals, he called the urge to write “scalp ache.”) There were questions about his effect on women too. Predictably, his romantic relationships followed the route of mania, like those of nearly anyone searching for some ideal. As for protégés—none. He didn’t like followers, telling acquaintances that flattery suffocated him, a statement that, at least from some, guaranteed fawning.

  About the women who were among those admirers: none had more impact than the three who came into his life in the most brutal succession. Leslie Orlovdor was first. Followed by Judith Anne Clemster. Finally, Seyla Treat. The pattern of his quick abandonment of women was already long set by the summer of 1977, the summer when Kulkins visited the little town of New Bethel. I decoded those visits not only from his journal but from the hazy accounts of former acquaintances who could offer little more than the names of the women and the certainty that Kulkins had been serially involved with each when, in May 1977, all three women moved into one house—the house of Seyla Treat. Does that sound as strange to you as it does to me? All three of them had sex with him, although probably not, so far as the documentation I’ve found reveals, at the same time.

  Predictably, the experiment ended. During a period when young women faded away easily, Leslie and Judith Anne disappeared. Into communes. Or Mexico. They left New Bethel weeks before Seyla Treat’s drowned body drifted to the shore of Torridge Bay on August 9, 1977. Seyla Treat: her published prose poems were devoted to the scraped-stomach lurch of nightmares. Those were the writings that gave her name a tiny luster after her suicide. She is now buried at Kelley Cemetery in the midst of what, through an Internet search, I determined to be New Bethel’s strip of auto dealerships.

  The idea that the final year of Malcolm Alfred Kulkins’s writing life was the year of Seyla Treat’s suicide was to be the most pressing subject of my investigation.

  There was never any mention by
Kulkins that Seyla had a daughter. And so the question of just what Kulkins might have thought of the girl has never been asked. The daughter—a woman with the unfortunate name of Flame—had kindly corresponded with me via email, and granted my request for access to some boxes of Seyla’s that she hadn’t examined, which seemed like such willful incuriosity as to be bizarre. Only recently the daughter had bought the house that had once belonged to her mother, and her mother’s boxes of drafts and other writings, in storage for decades, had been returned there. Seyla’s daughter said she would be in Baltimore while I did my research at the house during the day. I had made reservations to stay at the Best Western.

  I MapQuested the address of the house I was to visit and made notes about the local businesses: a medical supply company, a consignment shop, and the Comfort Manor Rehabilitation Center. None of which existed in summer 1977.

  The blocks through which I was walking were filled with one-story properties with cramped lawns. In the street a child on a bike executed slow circles, jumping from the pedals and staggering to a stop when he saw me. A woman bending to her curbside garden turned a startled face as I passed. And in the distance, dazzling, throwing up sparks: Torridge Bay, where Seyla had drowned.

  A breeze, fresh and cool, swept in from the bay. The houses thinned out and sycamore roots buckled the sidewalk. It was a Saturday in May and the new leaves’ rustling grew loud overhead. I thought of Kulkins’s copy of The Odyssey in which his little sister’s markings decorated page after page. It was my contention that those scribbles by his sister started his long affair with The Odyssey which he used, in cloaked form, to report on the Vietnam War and later on his lingering fascination with Patty Hearst, a sympathetic understanding that cost him readers. The Odyssey, I planned to argue in my biography, was his inexhaustible fount, the disguised source for his fiction’s marvels.

  In one passage that Kulkins alluded to cryptically, Odysseus lingers at a magical orchard. At the moment when any fruit falls, the branch instantly buds, the bud blossoms, and a new fruit inflates, round and ripe and ready for the hand. Perpetually, the orchard replenishes. No less than seven of his novels reworked that magic in disguised form—and I was relatively sure that I was the only reader to notice it. In his own life Kulkins was like Odysseus on Calypso’s Island: a man bewitched who ended his days without Calypso and certainly without Penelope. And not in the Mediterranean. Instead, he left all vestiges of the literary life to reside in Polkmedogt, Pennsylvania, in an old farmhouse where not a scrap of his writing was left.

  Gradually the blocks I walked toward Seyla’s old house grew longer. The area, full of two-storied homes at this point, was a maze of high hedges. Then the houses disappeared and the sidewalks crumbled. I could just make out how the ground darkened with marshland, sloping to the bay. A short distance ahead was the property I was looking for. It was the highest house in the surroundings and reared up for three yellow-bricked stories, windows glimmering. On the second floor a curtain sucked in and out like a drumhead. At each side of the porch four blue pillars rose, shiny as hard candy. The house appeared to shift, like a reflection in water.

  With keys that had been mailed to me I unlocked the door and called out in case anyone was inside. Opposite the entrance, at the end of the hallway, a window threw sunlight across the wooden floors. To the left of the foyer emerged a dining room with an oak table over which hung a chandelier that caught more light.

  And there on the dining room table—as directed by Seyla’s daughter—were six boxes. And the boxes, undisturbed, were yellowed with tape. No one had cared enough to open them. Here in this room was the mystery of hands that had been lifted by a muse’s, hands that Kulkins must have loved in his own way—and perhaps in the boxes there would be not only writings about Kulkins, but Kulkins’s own writings. And clues to his silence.

  I opened the boxes immediately.

  In the first box I pulled out beads and feathers, plastic prisms with hooks, a child’s set of fake papery blossoms thick with dust. Decorations for parties? Underneath, I found mashed jumbles of papers, writing slashed atop other writing. Unfinished work. Energy and hope, love that comes to nothing.

  There were photographs between some papers. In one, Seyla’s wide-set eyes stared into the camera, demanding something—what? And that wild hair! Her thick dark hair must have been as difficult to tend as an actual horse. And then my throat was closing and I felt my head filling with pinpricks. What was wrong with me? I hadn’t known Seyla. But here was this box of gaudy little treasures—neglected treasures—and her daughter had unearthed the boxes that held these treasures, a daughter who had been orphaned as a three-year-old, who, according to newspaper accounts, had been abandoned in the house while her mother made a decision to end her own life in the bay.

  I drew out more papers—crinkly onionskin glued together in blocks. Moisture, long ago, had seeped in.

  Already, it was apparent that Seyla was ambitious in her own right, given the extent of cross-outs and the number of drafts. I was thinking as I looked through the papers that the discovery of a distinctive style was something that a writer was bent on. Wasn’t Kulkins’s discovery of his own best style—through trial and error, exposure to early and inaccurate translations of Portuguese literature and to the disorienting effects of gin—wasn’t his discovery of a style the key anchoring event of his life? Not the external life, but the internal life.

  It was a quarter to two before I had labeled the remaining boxes and made a rough chart of their contents. Three of the boxes held additional flimsy decorations. I put the prisms and cloth flowers and glittery ribbons into another box and made some headway with more preliminary sorting. By then my hands were streaked gray.

  Later that afternoon, although guilty about it, I bounded up the mahogany staircase as if the sooner I made it to the upper floors of the house the sooner I could convince myself I had every right to be there. At the landing a door opened upon a room with a bed overlain by an aqua coverlet. Everywhere I looked appeared cozy and domestic and clean. What had I expected? To find Bluebeard’s wives hanging behind each door?

  And then, at the head of the flight of stairs to the third floor, an old-fashioned sitting room emerged from the shadows. From that room I stepped onto a balcony. Ahead of me spread the wide expanse of the bay, a faded blue. Within minutes the first signs of a storm brewed. The sky shifted toward gray, pearlless, without gloss.

  Kulkins and Seyla must have stood on this balcony at the farthest point of the house, balanced over land that dropped down to the marsh. Here, Kulkins might have meditated on the span of his career. I knew certain things: he was the son of a mining engineer who held novels in contempt and a mother who resented her son. The most moving fact I had discovered: his five-year-old sister’s drowning when he was twelve. He was supposed to have kept an eye on her while they were at the lake near their home. That night Kulkins found his sister’s white sandals in his room where she had been sneaking to scribble in his books. His guilt over his sister was something he never addressed in his public writing, at least not directly. I had found the pages of his journal that referred in coded terms to her death and then researched local accounts and discovered the drowning. Also found: a picture of Kulkins—a blurry shot at a picnic, taken the year after he went silent. He looked frail in the photo, even if there was still some of that life-saving mischief in him hovering just beneath the tragic cast to his eyes. He had endured, like a man who knowingly agreed to pay a price for something he was guilty about.

  Anyone could follow the outward trajectory of his career as a comedy of ill manners and high volatility until the summer of 1977—whereupon after Seyla’s suicide he stopped publishing. The general feeling in the industry was: he’ll come out of this, and then watch out. After fifteen years there were comparisons to Salinger. The most loyal editor, B. K. Stringglot, hoped she could drum up interest via his silence. Over at Knopf, Jody Everley publicly wondered if Kulkins’s silence was a ploy to increase sal
es if and when a manuscript eventually arrived. Other speculations: perfectionism. The will to outdo himself. His own attempt at retrofitting his style given the hordes of new young writers charging over the hill with their dinky minimalism.

  I wondered if, in his final years, he could still feel pride in his early work, especially for scaling the peak of his own voice when he pulled the last sheet of Monkey Grinder out of his typewriter. Or was he prouder of the period I call We-Climbed-Up-The-Mountain-Before-We-Climbed-Down-The-Mountain when he was living in logging camps in the Pacific Northwest, and much of his work read like the diary of an ax—repetitive strokes, the giant timber of one abstract idea after another crashing? Soon literary friendships spurred his ambition, including his strained and possibly fictitious relations with John Cheever. He referred in letters to meeting Cheever at literary gatherings where he could expect at best to be stared through or occasionally given an elbow. He was never sure if Cheever despised him or was engaging in horseplay—or if Cheever didn’t actually notice him but was just trying to make his way through a crowded room.

  Then there were the teaching appointments where writers were treated like pet geese, expected to snap viciously and mess the lawn. And where said writers ran through female students as if each were included in the benefits clause in the temporary contract issued by Personnel. Following those stints at the University of Michigan, twice at Iowa, once at some small Northeastern college he never mentioned by name, Kulkins found time during breaks and over the summer to return to Manhattan and write. Always, he loved jokes, tricks, wild goose chases. He got inside a critic’s Manhattan apartment and slipped a mammoth salmon fillet in a desk drawer. He wrote a scathing review of his own fifth novel in the dead-ringer style of a critic named Barney Murteers. The piece was so well written that Murteers never had it retracted. His most elaborate illusions: Kulkins was known to organize scavenger hunts that no one ever, to my knowledge, successfully completed. As if that wasn’t enough, he had a way of disappearing. You’d turn your back at a party and he was gone, not even just clear on the other side of the room, but utterly, as if it was a special talent: disappearing. Practically everyone I interviewed mentioned that capacity as one of his gifts.